


Nightmare Dystrophy

by risokura



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:35:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risokura/pseuds/risokura
Summary: When the question of worthiness inevitably turns into martyrdom.





	1. repetition breeds diligence

**AN:** I’ve been out of the fanfiction game for quite awhile, but FFXV finally brought me back. Written for a prompt on the FFXV Kink Meme. Prompt below for reference.

 **_“_ ** _Some of the fics I read about Prompto have tags for "slight eating disorder mention" and stuff like that and the rest is fluff or smut. I want to see one where it's not slight or only mentioned. Tell me about how he's starving himself into the body he wants, obsessively counting calories before anything goes in his mouth. Or how guilty he feels about wasting food and money by forcing himself to puke it all up. I want him to look in the mirror and still see fat when no one else does. If you wanna make it shippy, I'd love some Promptis. But more than shipping, I'd like to see concerned bros not sure what to do when their friend is slowly killing himself.”_

Breaking this up into two or three chapters. Haven’t decided yet.

 **—**  
****  
Nightmare Dystrophy  
  
—  
  


**I: repetition breeds diligence**  
 

**—**

**I guess you can say I was a neglected child.** My parents were never around as I was growing up. To be honest, I feel like they kind of just dumped me at home from the moment I was born and then left. They were always off on their business trips or working long hours just to keep a roof over our head. From a young age I always remember coming home to a dark and empty house.  _I’m home._ Never a response. Always alone. 

My parents provided for me materially, which I’m grateful for. But there’s more that I needed from them... and as a child I learned to go without those needs. There had to be something wrong with me that prompted them to ignore me as such. There had to be some reason besides work that caused them to leave me alone like they did. 

It’s not like school was much better either. I had no friends. I mostly faded into the background, never bothering anyone. Never asking for anything. I was always on the outskirts, an outcast on the fringes of society. What was it about me that people never liked? Why was I always ignored? I guess I was quiet. I never really reached out to other people and tried to establish some sort of connection. I guess I was comfortable just fading into the background. A wallflower, that’s what I was. 

I think ... I started eating as a way of comfort as we all do. The taste of something sweet, or savory and delectable. Continually filling the space in my stomach with food that brought warmth and joy. I grew drunk on the feeling that food gave me. Food was there when my parents weren’t. Food was my friend when all the kids at school would ignore me. Food didn’t care about how much weight I put on, it told me:  _eat me, consume me, I’ll always be here._

But that was the problem. There was always too much food. Too much consumption. Too much of pushing my feelings away. I was existing in a form of excess. I probably would have continued on the same path had I not found Luna’s dog. Had she not sent that letter of thanks to me and told me to look after Noctis, I probably would have eaten myself right into my grave. Death didn’t seem so bad. I was lonely anyway. Is a child supposed to have these morbid thoughts?

When I found Luna’s dog wounded outside of my house one evening, my heart went soaring straight into the golden dusk. I’d always loved animals, couldn’t stop taking pictures of them since I got my camera. But a pet of my own? I’d finally have something that depended on me, something that I could love. Rationally, I knew that I couldn’t keep this dog if it belonged to someone—but I could dream. When Pryna disappeared a few days later and was replaced with Luna’s letter, I realized an even better opportunity had come my way. It was strange to have someone reach out to me in not only a formal manner, but with faith that I could do as they had asked. 

At Luna’s behest and with shaky resolve I would befriend Noctis. He was always so distant, so removed from all of us that I saw him as untouchable. All the attention that he received, I always wondered what that was like? To be adored and loved by everyone that he came in contact with. He was the crown prince, of course people would be interested in him—but would he care to know me? Who was I? The silent fat kid that sat in the back of his class and didn’t socialize with others. We were the same weren’t we? His rejection of attention, my yearning for it. What were we missing? What did we really need? 

My first time engaging Noct was a god damn disaster and I wondered how I could be so stupid to think this would actually work. The sound of Noct’s laughter when I fell and offered up my camera when he asked if I was okay was like a special gift I was only privy too. Yet, when he called me  _heavy_ , I knew I had a problem. I was already wracked with nerves at the prospect of our first meeting, but I had no idea it was supposed to be like this. I was so excited to fulfill Luna’s wishes. She was worried about him, she cared about him. She had tasked me with trying to look after him and the first thing that he had called me was  _heavy_. Heavy in what ways? Was I too much? Too fat, too much weight to bear? How had I allowed things to get this bad? How had I allowed myself to get in so deep? It was hard. Food tasted so good, it made me  _feel so good._ But here it was, posing an obstacle between me and the  _prince_. The crown prince would want nothing to do with an overweight loser, how could I face him in this current form? 

Change is hard and it’s necessary. At least, for me it was. It was necessary to change myself so that I would be worthy of standing before our future king. How could Luna possibly have enough faith in me to support Noctis when I couldn’t even look after myself?

Someone knocks into my desk and for a minute I am aware of the space I’m taking up. I look up at these kids, my classmates. They all probably come from homes with parents that tell them things about the world, teach them things about life. They probably lecture them, scold them, nurture them ...  _love_ them. Maybe that’s been my problem all along. Maybe I’m unlovable. How do I get people to love me? I look up from my camera and ask them for advice on exercise. They should know, shouldn’t they? They’re .... thin. They’re tiny. They’re in control of who they are. 

Control? Control. Is that what I’m lacking? I need to control who I am. I need to control how I interact with people. I need to put myself out there, show everyone that I’m not a loner. Not the weird fat kid whose obsessed with sitting by himself during lunch time and taking pictures of weird things. I need to change. I need to be in control.

I step on the scale at home, _185.6lbs_.

I took the first picture of my naked body the other day and I am disgusted.

—

 **Puberty starts to do strange things to the body and I don’t like it.** I feel like a foreigner in my own body. I feel like I’m losing control. I’ve lost some weight, but nothing sits as it should on my body. I guess I’m average size, but nothing about me _feels_ average. I still feel inadequate, undeserving. 

Noctis disappears from my radar for a couple of years. We go to different middle schools and I continue to work on myself on the off chance that I’ll see him again. I have a promise to keep to Luna and I’ll be damned if I break it. When I run low on inspiration, I open my desk drawer and sniff the letter Lunafreya sent me so long ago. 

—

 **When my parents come home they take notice of my change and the snide comments flow freely**. My father:  _Finally decided to eat like a human being, huh?_ My mother pulls back from her hug and grabs at my stomach. She pinches  **hard**.  _You could stand to lose a little bit more right here. What will all the girls at school think about you if you’re not the most handsome boy in the class?_ I pull my stretched out shirt down and wish that they would go away. I’m  _trying._

They sit in the living room that night and talk to each other in hushed voices. I sit in my room, brushing away my tears and sniffle my way through my math homework. The emotions give way and I can barely see my homework through the water that won’t stop falling from my eyes and onto the paper. I’m not anymore fat. I’m not. I’m trying. I’m  _trying._

I cry myself to sleep that night and forget to inhale the sweet scent of Luna’s letter for encouragement. In the morning, I open my bedroom door and find that my parents are gone. They’ve left a wad of cash on the table and a quick note:  _Be good, keep it up! You have more to lose! Don’t stop now!_

I find a lighter in the utility drawer, set fire to the note, and let it fizzle out in the kitchen sink.

Watching the embers fade into black, I close my eyes and will the tears to stop already.

I _hate_ them. 

—

 **For the next few years, twelve hundred calories and a ten mile jog become my daily mantra.** Weight loss is hard and it’s time consuming. I grow tired of salads and my body acclimates to the distances that I run and my weight plateaus. I stop relying solely on cardio to take me through this transformation and I start look into the importance of nutrients and strength training. Do I want to become ...cut? Muscle weighs more than fat. I don’t want to weigh more than I need to. I just want to be normal. I just ... I just don’t want anyone to think I’m fat anymore. Regardless, people take notice. I'm no longer the fat kid anymore... or so I hope. 

—

 **I’ve learned the horror ( ~~beauty~~ ) of throwing up my food. **The first time I experience a binge and purge episode is two weeks before high school begins. I’m lying around in bed with this building anxiety that I can’t seem to crush. What am I going to do when I see Noctis tomorrow? Pretend that we’ve never met? Bother him like everyone else is probably clamoring to do? What could I even say to Noctis that would make him want to talk to me? What do I have to offer to anyone at this point? 

It’s like there's a beast in my head and its roaring and won’t stop. The never-ending struggle of what I should and shouldn’t put in my body. I’m not worth the food the I should be eating, not until Noctis finds me satisfactory. I wonder if he still considers me to be  _heavy. Heavy. Heavy. Heavy._ How do I know that I will be adequate in this current body? Am I still heavy? Still fat? Still unworthy? I’ve cut my calories to a thousand a day. I've increased my runs by another five miles, but is that still enough? I’m so hungry some days, but I can’t stop now when I’ve come this far.

My worries become my breaking point and I find myself heading to the nearest convenience store where I’m purchasing every bit of fast food I can get my hands on. Chocolates, donuts, cookies, bags of chips, ice cream, instant noodles, oden, rice balls, soda, flavored bread—everything that I have refused myself to lose the weight I so carelessly gained as a child. I run home with my spoils and throw the bags on the table in an anxious fit. Why have I done this? What will buying all this food solve? Why am I even going to do with this? The anxiety... it reminds me of when I was a kid. Lonely, yes. But also anxious. Anxious to please, anxious to know what was going on. 

I chew my way through some of the donuts. Too sweet, my palette can’t handle them as well as they used to. I pop open my first soda and inhale the chemical concoction as I start ripping up pieces of bread to stuff into my mouth. Next, a handful of chips. The whistle of the kettle boiling in the background is mirroring the screaming in my mind. I dip a piece of bread into artificially sweetened ice cream and stick it into my mouth. My hands are coated in saliva and I can’t stop drooling—it all tastes so  _good_. 

When my stomach is distended and I’m bloated beyond belief, I stare down at the rainbow display of packaging and half eaten food. What have I done? Why did I do this? My stomach lurches painfully and I wince at a cramp that flashes through my side. This hurts... why did this use to bring me comfort when I was a kid?

I’ve fucked it up, how am I supposed to fix it? My stomach has the answer for me because bile is currently pushing against my throat and I’m rushing to the bathroom before I puke all over the dining room table. My stomach is violently gurgling and protesting at the sheer magnitude of food that I’ve shoved down my throat in such a short time. Fuck.  _Fuck, this hurts._

I lay in bed that night with a raw throat and a throbbing head. My abdomen is bloated and I feel terrible. But I feel... I feel empty. Blank. This is new. My mind drifts and I’m wondering... what if I do something like that again? Being able to eat everything you want and then puking it up before you digest any of it? ...Would it work?

The scale? _156.7lbs_.

—

 **No, I hate throwing up.** It’s disgusting, I’m wasting money, but it's... an experiment of sorts. How do I continue to eat and not gain weight? I cut my knuckles on my teeth and my throat feels like its going to swell shut. The taste of bile and undigested food is always in the back of my throat. 

It takes me a minute to learn how to purge. Most times I’m on the verge of tears before anything comes up. And even when it does, it’s just saliva and small amounts of liquid. I feel like I’m always going to choke on my food and die somehow... even though I already feeling like I’m dead. Dying... whatever. 

The night before high school begins, I’m hovering over the toilet and finally ... finally it works. The first wave hits me and my stomach hurts more than it ever did. I can’t look at the toilet, the sound is disgusting enough. I resolve to wear headphones, the sound of regurgitated food hitting the water is enough for me to continue to throw up. When I feel like enough is enough, I stop. The tips of my hair are tinged with vomit and I can see my fingers glistening with bits of food and saliva. In the darkness of the cold bathroom, I push myself into a sitting position next to the toilet. I can barely catch my breath and everything tastes like vomit. Is this worth it? 

If it keeps me from going back to being that little shy and quiet fat kid from elementary school, then I guess it is. 

—

 **Noctis is beautiful.** The thought crosses my mind when I catch him walking with hunched shoulders toward the entrance gate of our high school. There’s a sort of melancholic beauty to his features. Delicate, refined, princely. Prim and proper. Everything that I have never been trained to be.

He’s alone, just as I always remembered him to be. Murmurs having been floating around since early that morning— _the crowned_   _prince is at our school._ I feel my stomach lurch at a distant memory of Noctis from elementary school. The gawking, the fawning, the completely overwhelming experience of having people always wanting to talk to you... touching you ... they see you. I hesitate for a minute, convinced that I don’t want to be like the other people that won’t stop crowding around him. 

My anxiety creeps into my throat and I have to shut my eyes to will my stupid thoughts back down where they belong. I must have done four body checks this morning and taken thirty pictures of myself before I even felt remotely ready to leave the damn house. My mind drifts back to the binge from a couple of days ago and I groan at the thought of what I’ve done. But, no. I can’t think about that right now. Not with Noct so close, not when I’ve come this far over this many years. I’ve been waiting for this moment for forever and I’m not going to fuck things up. 

At the end of the day, I run up to Noctis and smack him on the back of the shoulder. He turns around, bewildered. I introduce myself and he looks me up and down. Am I still heavy? His eyes soften in recognition and he smiles at me:  _don’t I know you?_ I don’t know, Noctis. Do you? 

**—**

**My relationship with Noctis is awkward at first**. He doesn’t have many friends...  _any_ friends? Why does he talk to me? Why does he seek me out? Now that I’m here... I don’t know what to do. What do we talk about? What do we do? Is it okay for a plebeian such as myself to be around god damn royalty? Am I good enough for him yet? I talk to him without all the nuances of what someone of his stature would come to expect from someone of a lower class like me. But he never complains. He just smiles that small smile of his. Awkward, unsure, afraid. But... warm?

I sit around at lunchtime with Noctis and he eats his rich and intricately prepared food by a guy named ... Ignis? His butler? Advisor? I don’t remember exactly. I try to remember everything that Noctis talks about. Getting him to talk is like pulling teeth, he’s so quiet. Quiet and awkward. But, I guess it works out because I’m just as awkward. I nibble on an apple and laugh off the fact that I  _forgot_ my lunch. I forget my lunch pretty often... perhaps I’ll need to think around this now that I’m spending my lunch periods with Noctis.  

Noctis offers me part of his lunch and I decline. I had a big breakfast—the most stereotypical excuse in the book. I can’t believe I just used that. He shrugs and puts the lid back on his bento and tucks it into his bag. I bite into my apple and relish in the way the fruit crunches under the force of my bite. It’s sweet... _too_ sweet. 

Noctis begins talking again and I’m only half listening.  _We should go check out that new game at the arcade. What do you think?_ My attention snaps back to the present at the mention of games. Is he really asking for my opinion on something? This is ... this is one of first times anyone has ever really cared about what I thought, what I wanted to do. I feel a smile pull at my lips and I poise the apple in front of my face to hide my glee:  **Sounds great, Noct.**

I nearly miss the smile on his own face. 

_Noct, huh?_

—

 **What does it take to be the best friend of the crown prince of Lucis?** What is expected of me? What are  _my_ duties? Should I look a certain way? Act a certain way? Be ... a certain way? It’s Friday night and I can’t get to sleep. In the morning I’m going to have brunch with  _Ignis_ and  _Gladiolus._ Two names that I have heard so much about and barely matched faces to.Noct referred to them as his friends—but they are obliged to him as well. Ignis, his advisor and confidant. Gladiolus, his shield. ( _Prompto… his … what am I to Noct?)_ Noct likes to complain about how the two of them are always nagging—(perhaps, a gentle reminder)—him about his royal duties, even though they’re barely older than he is. I guess... its important stuff though. Not that I would have any clue as to what his world entailed. I slowly breathe in and out as I become aware of how removed from Noct’s world I truly am. _Why is he wasting his time on me?_

I wake up at 5:12AM the following morning and run for the next two hours. I don’t want to think about Noct’s _friends._ How they’ll judge me, how they’ll talk about me after all is said and done tomorrow. I don’t want to think about the looks they’ll give me—how dare Luna plant the idea in my mind that I would be good enough for the prince. Good enough to befriend our future king. She must be insane. I must be insane. Why did Noct think this was such a good idea? I want to throw up at the thought of going out with all three of them. I don’t want to eat in front of them. I can barely bring myself to do so in front of Noct. These are people that he trusts and respects the opinion of. Of course they’re going to judge me… and I won’t be able to measure up. I know I won’t. I binge and purge once before I’m supposed to meet up with Noct. Do I have puke breath? I brush my teeth three times and nearly down half a bottle of mouthwash as I try to rid the taste of vomit from my mouth.

I eventually arrive at the café and mentally chastise myself for my lack of punctuality; Noct is already huddled into a booth tucked in the back of the café. I notice the two men he’s with. One is impeccably dressed and the other is large … he takes up so much _space_. I plaster my face with the false smile of happiness that most have come to known from me and waltz over to the table with more false confidence. I can see the relief in Noct’s face as I approach the booth and I can hear my blood rushing in my ears as my anxiety reaches a fever pitch. Immediately, I feel like an outsider and I am aware of how much space I occupy in this tiny booth.

Gladio—(No one really calls him Gladiolus?)—is standoffish and Ignis is astute. Noct shrivels underneath their gaze and Ignis warmly gestures for me to sit. Gladio smirks and I see Noct turn away, as if what’s outside the window is more important than the current situation before him. My eyes survey the drinks that are on the table. Black coffee for Ignis and some type of amber colored liquid in a glass cup for Gladio. Noctis is drinking something frothy, chocolaty and messy. How many calories are in— …the waitress comes and asks me what I would like to drink. _I don't know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know._ An iced Americano? I don’t drink coffee. I don’t drink tea. I don’t… want to drink what Noctis has. What the hell do I do to impress these two intimidating figures sitting across from me?

My mind shuts down. I push forward with the perky, adventurous persona I’ve cultivated over the past few years and I sink back into my mind. I’m on autopilot without even realizing it. Noctis seems to relax as the time goes on and I get smile out of Ignis and a chuckle out of Gladio at some point. I realize that I can fake this, keep up the façade. I’ll make them like me. Not the real me. The same guy that Noctis sees and likes. I order something light. Two pieces of avocado toast, cherry tomatoes and two sunny side up eggs. I leave half of it uneaten; push it around on my plate so that I looks like I had something more in my stomach than the two Americano’s I pushed myself to consume. Coffee has zero calories, right?

We finish things up at the café and I think I can see the beginning of approval when I catch Ignis looking at Noctis for a brief moment. Gladio isn’t as intimidating as he looks… and Ignis is strangely warm despite all his formality. They leave us at the café and Noct asks me if I want to come over to his place to play video games. For once, it all feels normal. Everything feels normal. Perhaps this is what its like to have friends and be normal…

… _Yeah, right_.

—

**I don’t eat for three days. Just to see what its like.**

How do I get over the irrational fear that I’ll gain back a crazy amount of weight if I eat? If I eat one thing, won’t I gain five pounds in return? My mind is becoming crazier by the day and this whole losing weight thing is getting out of control. The overwhelming need to harm myself becomes so prevalent that I don’t know what to do most of the time. Does starving even work? Won’t I just gain all the weight that I’ve fought so hard to lose if I don’t eat at all? Even with binging and purging, I know that my body is holding onto some caloric intake even after I throw up all of that junk. …I have to stop doing that.

I only eat when I can’t concentrate and I literally break down and gorge myself on whatever it is that I have in the fridge. Some days I barely make it through eating more than one meal. I usually just snack on stuff. Rice cakes or apples… drink tons of liquids to stave off hunger. I’ve taken to drinking instant coffee in the morning before I take off on my morning run. Caffeine fills in for the lack of sleep that I get on a daily basis. Everyday is planned …what I can eat … what I can’t eat. I want to eat… but I just can’t.

I … _can’t_.

(The scale beeps.  _149.7lbs)_

—

 **Noct asks me to sleepover and my heart pulls painfully in my chest.** Sleepovers. That's what good friends do, don't they? They sit around in each other’s company and do stupid stuff, right? Read comic books, play video games, watch movies? Talk to each other late at night and share stuff they could never tell the other in the light of day. Is that what Noct has in mind? I immediately jump up and tell him, _yes. **Yes**_. I’ll be over at his place later that night.

I get there just as Ignis is leaving. He nods curtly in acknowledgement as I walk through the threshold of Noct’s apartment. Noctis has a frown on his face as Ignis leaves, but it’s instantly replaced by that same goofy half smile he always has when we’re alone. Noct turns around and gestures toward the island, Ignis made us _food_. Food. Lots and lots of _food_. I feel queasy at the thought. I haven’t eaten since … I don’t know when the last time I ate was. I made coffee this morning… and I think Noct offered me some of his food at lunch, but I declined. I’m tired of coming up with excuses, but I just don’t want to eat. I mean, I do. I want to eat so badly. I want my head to stop hurting. I want to stop breathing so hard every time I go for a run or overexert myself. I get cold so easily… I’m so tired all the time. I just. I’m tired of every part of my day revolving around the one thing that seems to stop me from getting closer to Noct. Why is it _always_ there? Why does it have to be a part of every interaction I have with him? Why can’t this goddamn food just go _away_?

Noct instructs for me to sit and make myself comfortable while he starts bringing some of the food over. Peppery daggerquill rice, breaded cutlet with tomato, grilled wild barramundi—and for _fucking_ dessert—fluffy chiffon cake. I feel my eyes mist over and quickly blink away the tears that are threatening to fall. This is great. This is all too _fucking_ great. I can’t waste this food when Noct—Ignis—went through the trouble of cooking it. Noct, perhaps, registers that I’m feeling a little uncomfortable and he says something about Ignis’ being a _Mom_ and fussing over his diet. But my diet is _fine._ I _don’t_ have to eat everything. I should _only_ eat what I want. Ignis made too much. Ignis always makes too much. I force a smile at Noct and insist that it’s fine. I’ll… be fine. Somehow, this will be fine.

—

 **Of course, it’s not fine _._** It’s nearly five in the morning when I open my eyes. In my first moments of consciousness, all I can feel is that my stomach is distended. With one shaky inhale, I shift in the sheets and try to bury the feeling of nausea before it takes over and ruins the entire day. I should be happy. Should feel safe; feel content, I … should …be  _happy_. I'm finally Noctis' friend. But, I’m lying to myself, again. The arrival of the sun in the early morning is blood red truth trying to creep in through the blinds of Noct’s room. The sheets steadily rise and fall at my side as I notice that Noctis is still asleep. Of course he is. I throw the sheets over my head and shut my eyes again. 

The familiar pangs of hunger are gone, obscured by my ravenous appetite from yesterday. The rich and delicious food that Ignis had cooked is still working its way through my body and my organs are screaming out in relief from sustenance. But my brain, my brain won’t stop screaming. I couldn't stop eating. Why couldn't I stop eating? I turn to look at Noctis and feel my eyebrows furrow. I’ve done all of this just to be close to him. I’ve changed who I am just so I’d have the chance to be friends with the prince… someone who’s just as lonely as I am. But … I’m still not enough. Who I am isn’t enough and I know its not. He’s letting me into his world, but I know that I still have to change. I have to keep getting smaller. I can’t let him say those words to me again: _heavy_.

I roll over onto my back and close my eyes. It’s pointless for me to even try and throw up right now. I’ll just take the next two or three days and go without. I’ll tell Noct that I have to head out early, there’s something that I have to do. I have to get out there and run all of this off. How could I allow myself to get this bad? 

If he’s going to allow me to be this close, I refuse to let myself to stop working for it.


	2. brocade

—

 

 **ii: brocade**  


—

 **Noctis brings me lunch one day and I feel guilty.** More than feeling guilty, I am embarrassed. He pushes a bento my way and sets his own down in his lap. The bento has  _chocobos_ on it—CHOCOBOS.  _I asked Ignis to make you something. I just... never see you eating much of anything at lunch._ Noctis lowers his gaze and fiddles with the top of his bento. Fuck, he noticed. _I just wanted to make sure you have something... an apple isn’t enough food to take you through the day, you know?_ He looks up at me with the most earnest look I’ve ever seen _. I know how seriously you take your personal fitness, so I just wanted to make sure you were eating enough, Prompto._

There’s a surge of irrational anger that courses through my body and I have to fight down the need to curse Noctis out for this gesture. That’s the crazy part of me talking. Don’t pay attention to it, Prompto, Noct doesn’t deserve that. Not with everything he’s given you, everything he’s done for you. My anger is hidden by the way I clench my jaw and smack Noctis on the shoulder. I let out a loud boisterous laugh; he’s concerned that I’m not eating properly? Not eating enough? I smile at him and it hurts. I just find making lunch such a bother and I don’t want to waste money on the crappy food that our school serves. Is that so hard to believe?

I reach for the bento and shakily begin to open it _._ Noctis continues, _Ignis can start making you food if you prefer? I could tell him what foods you like, what you don’t... honestly he won’t mind. He actually says I could learn something from you. You actually **eat** your vegetables. _No, I don’t want Ignis to start making me food. Even if his cooking is absurdly delicious and makes me want to binge every time I’m around it. I survey the bento. Two ajinori rice balls, cherry tomatoes, broccoli, sautéed spinach and a few slices of salmon filet. This is way too much, but it looks so good. Fuck.  _Fuck_.

Noct is watching me survey the food with such an intense gaze that I think I might break. He opens his mouth and then closes it as I interrupt.

**DUDE! This looks amazing.**

—

**I run until everything is on fire.**

_Breathe, Prompto. Breathe._

I crash forward and slam hard as I hit the floor.

_—_

**Noct brings me food again and I literally feel like crying.** Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to make me fat again? What the hell am I supposed to do with all of this food? He pushes the bento toward me again. The same fucking chocobo bento with food crammed into it. Food that someone—Ignis—took their time to prepare. I feel like shit. I can’t do this. How am I supposed to pretend to eat this when he’s looking right at me? I can feel my stomach refusing every part of the food I’m trying to ingest. The funny thing about making yourself throw up is that at some point the body starts to reject most of what you’ll put into it. It becomes accustomed to you constantly forcing yourself to throw up. ...My gag reflex feels like its starting to disappear. 

Halfway through lunch I begin to choke as I feel the half eaten food rush back up my esophagus and I literally have to clamp my mouth shut before I throw up on Noct. I quickly excuse myself to the bathroom and proceed to cough up the lunch that I should have never had to begin with. When I come back, Noct tries to hide the concern on his face and I wave him off. Maybe... Ignis should start making my lunches a little lighter?

I eat a big breakfast after all...

—

 **How long has it been since I’ve seen the sun?**  The rainy season is upon us and the weather is getting warmer. We’ll be switching to summer uniform shortly and I won’t be able to hide underneath the layers of my blazer or sweater anymore. Maybe I can keep a sweater around and claim that the air conditioning in the classroom is too much. I get cold so easily. I feel like… I feel like I’m falling apart.

—

 **My tongue is red and swollen and my eyes are drying out.** The freckles on my nose stand out in stark contrast to my pale skin. There’s a permanent ring of red around my eyes and I’m considering investing in makeup or something. I look fucking terrible. I’m tired. I’m so damn tired. I’m sitting at the kitchen table and there’s an apple on the plate in front of me. Why am I testing myself like this? I leave the table and go to take a picture of myself.

**(142.5lbs???)**

—

 **I wonder if I can call Gladio and Ignis friends?** They’re always around whenever I’m around. And we do things together ... like friends do. Ignis cooks for us, Gladio calls Noct and I—the  _kids—_ and somehow it feels like I’ve gained the siblings I never had the chance to have. It feels warm. I like being around them, but I’m not quite so sure how they feel about me. Don’t mess this up, Prompto. 

—

 **A few days later Noctis and I are lying around in his bed at late night.** My brain hurts for more reasons than one and I’m tired from all the studying that I’ve been forced into. My wrists are sore from holding up stupid textbooks all day and I honestly just want to go to sleep, wake up in the morning and do nothing. I know Noct isn’t asleep because he keeps tossing and turning, which is odd for him. Usually the guy just knocks the fuck out the minute his head hits the pillow.

…It’s been on my mind for a while now, but I’m surprised Noct let’s me sleep next to him like this. Royalty aside, isn’t this, y’know, a little  _gay_? Two guys. Sleeping in a bed together? Not that I mind. It’s just. I’ve never really had friends that were this close before. Maybe this isn’t gay? I don’t know. Noct flips back over and whispers to me in the darkness. When I turn to look at him, I feel my heart do a weird skipping thing—heart palpitations from starvation maybe—and maybe my face is heating up just a little. He’s really fucking close, curled up and has his hands fisting his pillow like a small child. Why in the world does he look so confused? I’m confused myself. _Prompto? Are you up?_

I nod my head slowly and wait for him to continue. He sighs and turns over on his side.  _Can I ask you a question?_ This is it. He’s gonna ask me why I’m still fat. I can hear it in his voice before he even says it. Sure, Noct. You can ask me anything ... anything but that. Don’t ask me why I’m still fat. I just— _Do you have any gay friends?_

What? Huh? What did he say?

_Do you have any  **gay friends**? _

My answer spills out my mouth before I even have a chance to think:  **you’re my only friend**.

I hear a sharp intake of air on Noct’s side and I immediately realize what I said. I’m quick to shoot up in bed and start apologizing profusely at the absurdity at it all. I wasn’t calling him gay but if he’s gay that’s totally cool I don’t have anything against gay people some of the best photographers in the world are gay and I look up to them but that doesn’t make me gay and you don’t do anything that’s gay so don’t worry if you are— ** _Prompto._**  

He’s laughing. Noct is honestly laughing at my meltdown. He punches me lightly on the shoulder.  _I wasn’t talking about you... and if you’re gay. That’s okay with me, too._ He sits up in bed as well and motions for me to turn on the light beside his bed.  _Come on, I can’t sleep. Let’s go make fatfatfatfatfat ~~hot chocolate~~_ fatfatfatfat.

Was Noct fucking insane? I completely blanked out on his reasons for making such an offending,  _fattening_ drink as I try to recall everything that I’d had to eat that day. Coffee, no sugar, 2 calories. Two egg whites, 34 calories. Three cherry tomatoes, 9 calories. Noct had forced a diet soda—0 calories—and a slice of pizza—albeit veggie—down my throat, so that’s 230 … 270 calories? Of course Ignis had dropped by to prepare dinner—keycatrich salad and a mushroom medley for me, some type of grilled greasy sandwich for Noct. I had a cup of the mushroom medley and ate most of the salad. ... I’m going to ballpark that around 250 just to be safe. Just under six hundred for the day and I haven’t even had a chance to run yet. Not that I really can as of late, my legs feel stiff and my shins hurt. I’ve tried stretching but that causes more pain than it’s worth at times. 

This is not okay. 

 _Prom?_  I blinked my way back into the present and looked up at him. What did he just call me? Noct waves a hand in front of my face and tilts his head to the side,  _You still here?_  I swallow hard and force a grin at Noct.  **Yeah, I guess I am**. 

We head out into the kitchen and Noct fumbles his way through using some expensive looking appliance on the countertop. I take two mugs out of the cabinet, set them down on the island and wait for him to finish up with whatever he’s doing. I look at the time, just after eleven. _The reason... I asked you about before is, uh. I, uhm. I saw Ignis and Gladio. You know, kissing._

I stared at Noct for a minute and then had the audacity to laugh at him. That’s what he’s so hung up over? This is what he wanted to talk to me about? The way he was getting so flustered over this well... it ... it was kinda cute. I crossed my arms over my chest and grinned at him.  **What’s the matter, Noct? Are you jealous?**

 _NO! I... I never._ He frowned and then reached for one of the mugs so that he could pour the hot chocolate for us.  _I was just surprised. That’s all. Gladio’s always hitting on every girl that moves and Ignis is... well. I always thought he was just ... too devoted to his duties to care about that kind of thing. Just ...why wouldn’t they tell me?_  A strange surge of pride rose into my chest and I tried to swallow it down. Noctis was confiding in me. In  **me.**  I pushed my mug forward and let him pour out some hot chocolate for me. I guess ... I would allow this if it brought Noct some type of comfort in some way. I brought the mug up to my lips and sniffed in the aroma of the warm drink.

He stared at me as if he was expecting me to be able to clear up what he was thinking and I don’t know? Every person has their thing? …Like I have  _my_ thing. And that  _thing_  is personal. Ignis and Gladio just had a thing. And when they felt like sharing that  _thing_ , Noct would get his answer. For now, it would be better if he didn’t worry about what didn’t concern him. If they were together, well. Noct would accept them for who they were… wouldn’t he?

—

 **Summer comes in hot and wet**. School ends for summer break and Noct keeps asking me to hang out every day of the week. I can’t deny that I love being in his presence, but I want to have some time alone for a while. I’m thinking of getting a part time job. This whole binge and purge nonsense is starting to become expensive and I’m tired of explaining my exorbitant food purchases to my parents when they question my bank statements. I find an ad for a studio assistant, the perfect job. I call them on a Tuesday; they bring me in for an interview. I get hired the following Monday.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about turning this photography thing into something more. I already have enough shots of myself and I sneak a few of Noct every now and then when he’s not looking. But I should start learning more about it... what does it take to be a successful photographer? Finding something beautiful to take a picture of? What do I consider beautiful? Not ... me of course. 

...Noct?

What …about Noctis?

—

 **Sometimes I enjoy the feeling of emptiness in my stomach**. Sure my hands are shaking and my mouth feels dry, but the feeling of emptiness mirrors what I feel in my heart on a daily basis. I thought becoming Noctis’ friend—his  _best friend—_ would fix these feelings of inadequacy. I thought I would stop feeling like the god damn lonely fat kid all the time and finally start feeling like an actual person. Like I belonged for once in my life. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I never will.

**(137.6lbs)**

—

 **Noct’s birthday creeps up on me at the end of the month**. The city has a festive air about it, even if Noct looks like he wants to murder everyone in the reports that run about him. His sullen face is splashed across the television all day and I have to laugh at how ridiculously pissed off he looks.

We don’t really talk about the whole royalty thing. I know it makes him uncomfortable, so I make an effort to always treat Noct as a person first and the prince ... well ... never. It’s odd though. With as much as I stress over my position in relation to this, you think my insecurities would come out a lot more. ...I guess I’m just good about hiding things... like this little secret ... diet of mine. If we can even call it a diet at this point, ha.

Anyway, today was a momentous occasion for me as well because—I was going to the Citadel... and I was meeting King Regis. No big deal, no big deal. Actually my brain was on fucking code red the entire day. Noctis had thankfully enlisted the help of Ignis to find “suitable” attire for me for dinner with the two of them tonight. Fuck. Could I not eat and just pass it off as nerves? Oh fuck, oh fuck. Noct says we’ll do something normal to celebrate, probably something like playing video games and eating junk food. But the King—uh ... his  _dad—_ really wants to see me. Meet me? Oh god. 

So there I was. Sitting at this long ass table between a prince and a king, and wondering, how the hell this had suddenly become my life for one night. I couldn’t stop fiddling with the damn cuff on my right arm. Fuck.  _Fuck_. I looked at Noct and then Regis. Things seemed tense and I couldn’t tell if it was because I was there or if things between the two of them were awkward.  _Awkward_. That’s a trending topic in my life, isn’t it? Well this was just another awkward moment to add to the list.

Regis clears his throat and looks at me. He asks me about school, my interests, my life at home... how much time I’ve been spending with  _Noct._ He seems to smile at the mention of his son and I can feel the red working from the center of my nose all the way up to my ears. Yeah. We have been spending a lot of time together haven’t we? It’s been nice being close with someone though. Having someone who wants to spend so much time with you... a  _best friend._ Regis seems to emphasize those last two words and Noct chokes on the piece of steak he just chomps down on. I spear a couple of pieces of lettuce on my fork and nod in agreement. It’s nice spending time with Noct. I’ve never had a friend like him before. Regis looks at me and then at Noctis and he smiles warmly in return. Noctis has taken to hiding his face behind his fork and half of his hand and I wonder what’s the significance of what I’ve just said? Why is Noct so flustered all of a sudden? Did I say something stupid again? I tend to do that a lot ... don’t I?

We retire from the dinner table and head out to a private balcony to watch the fireworks display over the city. Noct leans in to say something to me, but I can’t hear him over the sounds of cheering below and exploding powder and lights in the sky. Something Regis does catches Noct’s attention, but he waves him away as he goes to reach for his cane. Regis clamps a hand over my shoulder and leans in close:  _Please, keep watch over him for the rest of the night. He trusts you, Prompto._ I look up at Regis, startled by the candid and personal confession. ...I’ll do my best.

When Regis disappears, I catch fireworks in the reflection of Noct’s eyes. He turns to smile at me. My heart  _pulls_ and I nearly choke on my breath. 

 _Oh_. What was that?

—

 **I had a weird dream last night.** I was a girl. And Noct was also a girl. And I’m not quite sure why, but I know that Noct makes a really beautiful looking girl. But, that’s … not really the point. For some reason we were in  _my_ bed. Which is weird, considering that Noct has never been over to my house … and I never really want him to come over here. The lights were off and I had taken the corner by the wall for once. Noct was on his ( _her???_ ) side with his back to me. I could hear the rain outside and the rumble of a car passing by my house. Why were we here of all places? Why wasn’t this dream taking place in Noct’s place? What. The. Fuck. ( _WHY ARE WE GIRLS?_ )

Noctis finally rolls over and looks at me in this way. She leans in and I shrink against the wall, surprised by his sudden movements. He frowns and draws in closer and I turn away from her. Him. HER. HIM? I don’t know how to describe it; I don't  _want_ to describe it. But the look on her face is coy and somewhat playful. ( _Ah, fuck. I’m describing it_.) He doesn’t look as uncomfortable as I feel in this dream. The world feels foggy. Like we’re in this dreamscape ( _this is a dream, after all_ ) where no one can touch us. And it feels nice…  _really_ nice. I can’t really process my feelings in this instance. Nor can I really explain what it is about this place that feels nice to me. Maybe it’s… being here with Noct. Even if… this isn’t really Noct? I feel a hand slide underneath the spaghetti strap of the tank top I’m wearing. There are lips being pressed against the bare skin there and I’m frozen. One of Noct’s arms rests on my hip and toys with the hem of my tank top. I hear a small giggle. I can’t breathe.

Noctis gets really close to my ear and whispers,  _Why are you being so shy right now?_ Why am I being so shy? She tugs at the hem of my tank top and brushes her lip over my shoulder again.  _You know how much I love your freckles, right?_ No, I don’t. This is weird. But it’s… kind of nice? It’s Noct. But it’s not really Noct. She fiddles with the drawstrings of my pajama pants and pushes me against the wall. The  _real_ Noctis would never be this forward. Besides, I doubt Noct would have boobs that are  _this_ big… pressing so intently between my shoulder blades. I hate my brain. Why is it doing this right now? Noct’s hands are… in my pants now and I confess it actually feels … really … good and I … I wake up just as dawn breaks. 

What the  _fuck._

—

 **My head is in a fog as I sip my iced coffee and try to wrap my brain around the damn dream.** The studio is quiet in the evening and I think I might head home earlier if my boss approves it. The dream is still on my mind and I’m just… weird today. Weirder than usual, that is. What  _was_ that? I’ve had my share of wet dreams… but nothing like that. Was that even a wet dream? I don’t know. I can’t figure this mess out right now. My boss comes in and disrupts my not-so-heterosexual daydreams and tells me that we’ve got a shoot to set up for. I set my cup down on a table and set about fixing the key lights while the other assistant leads the client over to the makeup chair and begins applying powder to her already too pale face.

—

 **The autumn quarter is upon us and we’re almost halfway through the school year.** Things haven’t changed much since Noct’s birthday. I’m still working, still running, still avoiding food. Noctis stops pushing the whole lunch thing after awhile. I think he realizes how uncomfortable it was making me. He still frowns at my typical apple for lunch, but he doesn’t push the issue. The next day he asks me,  _Prompto, have you lost weight?_

Finally, he notices. I laugh in response. 

**Nah, still the same fat kid from before.**

Noct doesn’t laugh. 

—

 **It’s almost rush hour and we’re walking away from the arcade when Noct asks me:** _So, when can I come over to your place?_  I nearly choke on my diet soda and pause to look at him. Why in the world would he want to come over to my place? Noct is waiting for an answer and I honestly feel like I’m standing in the middle of a tundra. I sip on my soda and then laugh his question off. Why would we go to my place? It’s a regular plebeian house. Nothing to see there, nothing to do there. Noctis frowns again and I’m not sure why. What did I do that was wrong? What did I say that was wrong? What did I do? At the fork in the road he mumbles a quick goodbye. This is what Noct does when he’s upset. He shuts down and pretends like the other person is a mind reader. Fuck. What the fuck did I do? I was being honest, wasn’t I? Was that the problem?

—

**Today is not a good day.**

**(145.7lbs)**

I’m not. I’m not seeing that right. That’s a mistake. I can’t—

**145.7145.7145.7145.7145.7145.7.**

**WHY HAS IT GONE UP?**

It was that fucking binge the other night wasn’t it? Pigging out with Noct last weekend? Not running enough this week? Am I building up too much muscle? Am I... why have I gained weight? I want to pick the scale up and throw it at out the fucking window. I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I want to die. This isn’t good. I can’t breathe. I’m going to be late to school if I don’t pull myself together and get out the door in another thirty minutes. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God, I can’t go out like this. I can’t—

…I don’t remember getting back into bed. I don’t remember sleeping the day away. But when I wake up, it’s close to four in the afternoon and my stomach feels like its trying to digest itself. My head is throbbing and my throat is so dry it hurts. I try to push myself up on shaky arms so that I can sit up in bed, but my vision corkscrews and I collapse back down onto my bed, too weak to move. My phone buzzes on my nightstand and it’s honestly a struggle to reach for it. When my vision refocuses, I notice that they’re all notifications from Noct. Four missed calls and fifteen texts. Great.  _Great_.

Most of the texts involve variations of— _dude, where are you?—_ and— _is everything okay?—_ No, it’s not okay. I think I might be running a fever, because everything fucking aches and my entire body feels like its both on fire and chilled to the bone at the same time. I try and listen to one of Noct’s voicemails, but my head hurts too much and his voice sounds jarring against the silence of my house.

I attempt to text him something coherent, but my vision won’t concentrate enough for me to focus on my phone. Fuck. My phone rings suddenly and startles me so much that I drop it on my face. It’s Noct. I can’t hold a decent conversation with him when I feel this shitty. I let the phone go to voicemail again and drift off.

—

 **Someone’s hand is on my forehead.** Heavy, safe, warm… I don’t want the hand to leave. When I open my eyes, I realize … that I was dreaming. There’s a really gross aftertaste in the back of my mouth and I still feel like crap. I glance at the clock and realize that its nighttime and I’ve slept the entire day away. Just as I push myself up in bed, I register the faint knocking that's at my front door. Who in the world could that be?

Getting out of bed takes more effort than I realize and I slowly shuffle my way out of my room and into the hallway. Everything fucking hurts and I can’t shake this cold sweat that’s building up with each step that I take. I peek through the peephole and nearly fall straight back on my ass when I see Noct standing there along with Ignis. What the fuck. What the fuck?  **How did they find me?**

The knocking persists and I don’t know if I should answer the door or run, get back into bed and hide away. The house is a fucking mess, Jesus Christ they can’t come in here. There’s a muffled exchange between the two of them from behind the door, softer knocking, and then the doorbell rings. _Prompto?_

I inhale sharply and open the door just a smidge so I can poke my head out. I greet them and try to manage a grin, but it’s not working. My eyes are betraying my emotions. Noct’s eyes light up in recognition and then he frowns. Why haven’t I contacted him all day? I had him worried. It’s been two days since I’ve seen you or heard from you, I—wait, two days? What the hell? I tilt my head to the side, what does he mean by two days? I’ve been out for a day haven’t I? 

_No, you haven’t. It’s Friday._

I blink again. I’m losing my grip on reality and Noctis and Ignis are still standing there. Noct with a mixture of concern and anger on his face and Ignis is neutral as always. I’m fine. Just tired. A little sick, I’ve been sleeping all day. Don’t worry. I’m taking care of myself. You didn’t have to come all this way. How did you know where I lived anyway? Oh, right. You’re the  _prince._ You can do these sorts of things. Finding things out about people when they wish you would respect their privacy and leave things alone. Noct looks hurt and Ignis apologizes for the intrusion. I don’t care if I fucked things up. I just want to go back to sleep.

Please, just go away.

—

**The scale drops the next morning.**

139.8lbs. 

I’m buying a new scale.

—

 **There’s a knock at the door on Sunday morning**. I’m feeling a little better physically, but my mood still feels largely unstable. I don't want visitors. I’m saving all my mental energy for school tomorrow... thinking about what I’m going to do about Noct tomorrow. The doorbell rings again and I pull myself together just enough to get up and see who’s at the door.

Gladio. And Ignis. Oh shit.  _Oh, shit._ Ignis goes to ring the doorbell again, but Gladio swipes his hand away and pounds on the door. Oh my God, they’re here to beat the shit out of me. They’re gonna kill me for upsetting the crown prince. I’m dead, I’m dead. Committed treason against the royal family, I— _Prompto, I know you’re there. We’re only here to talk about you and Noctis._ Ignis’ calm and collected rhetoric is interrupted by Gladio’s brutish— _No we’re not. You upset the princess, so now it’s my job to kick your— **Gladio. Please.**_ I timidly chanced poking my head out of the door. Ignis nodded courteously to me and Gladio has his hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie, staring me down as hard as he could. I frowned and then sighed. I knew they weren’t going to leave until I heard what they had to say. Thankfully I had cleaned up some that morning, so the house didn’t look like an absolute mess when they walked in. 

Ignis laid it all out for me once we were seated: Noctis was a mess and didn’t understand what he did wrong. He was concerned about me. I didn’t seem well these days, I was pushing him away. I wasn’t eating properly, I was distant. There’s something I’m not telling him and it hurts that I’m shutting him out. Noct doesn’t understand people very well. And you, Prompto, you don’t treat him like everyone else does. You know, gawking at him because he’s royalty. You treat him like a regular person, you never bring up the royal stuff... and he doesn’t want to bring you around it either. That’s why he likes you, Prompto. You like him just as he is. You make him feel ... normal. 

In my head:  **He did nothing wrong, this is my fault. I don’t want him to know how deep the rabbit hole goes with me. I want him to see that I’ve changed. I’m not that stupid fat kid anymore. I’m Prompto, the happy-go-lucky joker he’s come to know over these past six months. I don’t want him to know about my disgusting habits. How I hate myself so much that I’m slowly killing myself. I just want to be good enough, good enough for him. Is that so much to ask for?**

The thoughts stack in my brain, like a stupid game of Tetris. Except it’s impossible to line them up so they cancel out and disappear. I look up at Ignis and feel the tears starting to brim at the corner of my eyes. Gladio’s demeanor changes and Ignis’ eyebrows rise in curiosity.  _Prompto, are you all right?_  

**_No. No I’m fucking not okay._ **

—

 **Homeroom is hell the next morning and I want to die before I even step foot through the threshold of our classroom.** Noct is sitting by the window, pastry in hand and some type of book is open on his desk. My stomach clenches painfully—in hunger or anxiety, I really can’t tell anymore. Stiff upper lip, Prompto.

I greet him in my usual raucous manner and he doesn’t even look up at me. He gestures forward with the pastry he’s eating and still doesn’t meet my gaze.  _Breakfast? Need some? No?_  This feels like a challenge on Noct’s part, and I stare at the pastry and feel like hyperventilating. Do I take it and resign myself to cutting my calories in half for the day? Or do I refuse it—increasing Noct’s ire and making this whole thing worse than it needs to be? 

I take a bite out of the pastry and nearly choke on the flood of sugar, cream and jam that seeps into my mouth. The rich texture—Ignis must have made this. This is absolutely delicious; I forgot how good food was supposed to taste. I’m disgusted with myself for even enjoying this. I manage to swallow and it feels like poison is entering my body. I look back at Noct, he’s been watching me this entire time. I take another bite and he flips the page of whatever report or book he was reading over.  _You need to eat more._

—

 **One week before my birthday, I pass out as I’m getting ready for school.** I smack my head on the corner of my dresser and arrive to school, an hour late, with a giant fucking bandage on my head. Noctis is furious and I’m apologetic.  _What is going on with you?_ I’m sick. I’m just sick and he can’t fix it. I wish he would stop trying. Please stop worrying about me. Please, please, please, please. Please don’t worry about me; I’m not worth the trouble. I just want to die. I want everyone to stop worrying about me. I’m not thin enough, I’m still fat. Fatfatfatfatfat. And this is my punishment for never being good enough. I’m just waiting for Noctis to get rid of me like he should. Why did I think this would work out? Whywhywhywhywhy.

 —

 **Four days later, Noctis**   **asks me to come somewhere with him after school.** He leads me into the backstreets running along the rear end of the school and I’m a little hesitant to follow. There’s a sleek black car parked on the edge of the street and I raise my eyebrows in curiosity. Ignis steps out and Noctis reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. He leads me into the car and Ignis closes the door behind us. Ignis gets into the front of the car and starts the car up. The partition slowly rolls up and I swallow hard. What’s this about? Why is Noct being so formal right now? Furthermore, why is he holding onto my hand like this?

As the car pulls away from the curb, Noctis looks ... nervous. This is a first. Noct turns to me and he can barely meet my eyes,  _I wanted. I wanted to talk. About you._ What about me? Noct frowns and then looks at me.  _Prompto... I’m not accusing you, okay? I just want to understand. I ... uh, I have a hard time with that. It’s something Ignis tells me to work on daily..._ He turns to look at me,  _Are you okay? Really, Prom. Please don’t lie to me._

I stare at Noctis... and I can’t say anything. I can’t say anything, but my eyes start to fill with tears in the same way it did when Gladio and Ignis showed up and I lied through all of that built up emotion. I lied about how I was just my stressed out and feeling anxious about school. I lied about how sick I really was, in my body, in my soul. My silent tears soon become full on sobs and I can’t stop or catch my breath. I can’t keep doing this to myself anymore. I can’t keep throwing up. I can’t keep gorging myself on food and then starving for three days to keep my weight down. I can’t. I couldn’t lie to Noct, anymore. I can’t keep lying to Noct. Not when he’s doing something like this. Not when he’s asking me—asking me, finally— _Prompto, are you okay?_


End file.
